Wasting time until death

Are you missing a pointless pursuit to while away some of those precious hours that are left of your life? Do what I did last night and start playing King’s Bounty: The Legend. A very charming little (or rather, long) game that is similar to Heroes of Might and Magic but with more story and humour. The English translation may be a bit lacking, but it’s not too bad. And the game is definitely of the “just one more fight” variety.

And yes, I’m only playing this because the system requirements are sane, unlike those of Dragon Age: Origins which stutters like a Parkinson’s sufferer having an epileptic fit on my computer. Good ol’ turn-based strategy.

Ahem

*tap tap* Is this thing on? I just felt that I should point that that, in the words of Granny Weatherwax, I aten’t dead. Some form of regular posting in some for should hopefully resume soon. Possibly mostly other stuff than the bible reading though. This time of year is far too dark and dreary to make it even worse. Haven’t been smote (I always want to write smitten instead… and I guess it says something about my archaic vocabulary that smiting is something I write about semi-regularly) by any deity though. Just FYI.

The wrath of god

I’m writing this post on my barely functioning computer because my old spare computer has decided to stop starting up. Obviously, this is the wrath of god smiting me. In any case, this (along with my moving soon and being without internet access for a while in any case) means it will be a while before I can post again. Don’t know how long, but I hope you’ll be patient. I’ll, as a certain cyborg said, be back.

Genesis 9

¹And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.

Another fruitful enterprise might have been to introduce the basic concepts of ecology at this early stage to avoid problems with overpopulation in the future. But an all-knowing deity can’t think of everything.

²And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.

“Do you fear me?”

³Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

Every living thing? Neat! I’m sure there’ll be no arbitrary dietary restrictions imposed later on.

Genesis 8

¹And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;

Oh good, the cattle’s still OK, even if God farted – pardon me, “made a wind” – at the Earth.Still, neat trick to calm down the water. Does God’s farts have an oily quality to them?

²The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;

“And lo, the fountains of the deep were made to look as if they never existed, for to make this whole tale that bit more implausible than it already is.”

³And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.

Would it be entirely impolite to ask where all that water went? Oh it would? Never mind then.

Excuses

I apologize wholeheartedly for the present lack of updates of the blog, but the ever vengeful Lord has struck me down with a most virulent plague which leaves me disinclined to do more work than absolutely necessary. Normal service will be resumed shortly (or there’ll be some slaying of the firstborn, in which case I’ll probably repent of my wicked ways).

Genesis 7

¹And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.

One family, from what must already have been a quite limited gene pool. I don’t foresee any problems with that at all.

²Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.

Gods damn it, when you keep changing your mind about the details, would it be so hard to go back to the previous chapter and just change it there, too? I’d like a bit of a challenge to find things to pick on. Anyway, I find it surprising that God doesn’t specify how many males and females there should be. Although knowing Him, I suppose He’d prefer six males and one female, and damn that dastardly gene pool. Females are just icky.

³Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

Huh huh huh… oh wait… wasn’t that supposed to be dirty? Sorry, my bad.

⁴For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.

Except, as has been pointed out here and elsewhere, anything that swims. Does this mean that nothing that swims or lives in water is alive?

⁵And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.

Of his own free will I’m sure, because nothing bad would happen to him if he didn’t.

⁶And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.

A bit harsh to make an old old old age pensioner do that kind of work.

⁷And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.

“Getting a bit moist out here dear, perhaps we should nip inside for a bit until it dries up some.”

⁸Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,

An unclean beast (according to Henry James at least). Might have livened up the boat trip considerably.

⁹There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.

Except the clean ones which came in sevens, or not, depending on which of God’s personalities was dominant at the time.

¹⁰And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.

Umbrella time!

¹¹In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.

The great fountains of the deep? Ah, I’m not a geologist, but that sounds slightly dodgy. So for your amusement, have a look at creationists trying to rationalize this.

¹²And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

That’s some serious rainin’ right there. Enough to flood the world? Well, no. Especially since when it comes to water earth is basically a closed system, so the water that’s here is all there is, and since we don’t seem to be flooded at the moment…

Even if the polar ice caps melt, the world won’t be entirely flooded. The Earth’s been without ice caps before, after all. Of course, that was over six thousand years ago (considerably more), so that argument might not work on creationists. Then again, few arguments do.

¹³In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah’s wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;

If that’s like any family gathering I’ve attended, I pity them.

¹⁴They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.

Now here we can see a slightly more sophisticated version of the biblical division of animal groups. Now there are five categories (fish aren’t mentioned here obviously, although now there is the question of whether fish are alive. Beasts have been added to cattle, birds, fish, and everything else. I’m still unclear on how exactly you distinguish between beasts and everything else, but perhaps we’ll get more clues later on.

¹⁵And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.

The sevens apparently long forgotten.

¹⁶And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.

Josef Fritzl?

¹⁷And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.

¹⁸And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.

STBO

¹⁹And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.

Water from the magic fountains of the great deep which are invisible and intangible and look quite like pink unicorns.

²⁰Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.

According to Wikipedia the different Jewish cubits are less that 50 cm, so that makes fifteen cubits, at most, 7.5 meters. I have to assume they mean 7.5 meters above the mountaintops, because if they measured from sea level, they had some mighty feeble mountains in those days.

²¹And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:

²²All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

Today, boys and girls, we’re going to learn how to spell “genocide”.

²³And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.

One and all horribly psychologically damaged, one would have to assume.

²⁴And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.

Because not everything would drown in a hundred and forty-nine days.

Good Friday special

For your entertainment and education, I give you the excellent Mr Tim Minchin with Ten Foot Cock and a Few Hundred Virgins:

Genesis 6

Please note, today’s post contains images probably not safe for work or easily corrupted souls. Well, just the one image, but this is the internet, you can find more on your own.

¹And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,

²That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

Children, today we are going to learn how to spell “patriarchy”.

³And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.

Ooh, now that is interesting, I think we have our first actual fact which coincides with reality here. Around 120 years seems to be the maximum natural age of humans, and if Wikipedia is to be believed has been so for all of recorded history (I’m being very rude here, excluding Genesis 5 from recorded history).

Genesis 5

¹This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him;

²Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.

Pardon me, but I don’t recall this as being quite how it was described in the previous chapters. I’m pretty sure I’d have remembered one person being several people, male and female.

³And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth:

Not one for rushing into parenthood, was he? Though I notice that a certain pair of brothers seem to have been edited out of the family history here.

⁴And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters:

I’m sure that if you lived for over nine hundred years you’d find the time for a bit of naughty play, too. This part of the Bible, incidentally, is probably not for people who find the thought of old people having sex unpleasant.